How to Communicate with Your Child

Today in Japan more than 3% of all school-age children are truant, or “futoko.” And the numbers are growing.

While it would be nice to live in a society where alternative styles of education were accepted, that future has yet to arrive. So for many of us, it is best to do the best we can within the system as it stands.

So, what can you do, as a parent, to ensure your child stays in school?

In real estate, it is said that the three most important factors are “location, location and location.” For raising children, it’s “communication, communication, communication.”

Communication with your Child:
This almost goes without saying, but in the day to day busi-ness of life, real communication often takes a back seat to commands (“put your toys away,” “brush your teeth”) or confirming our mutual schedules (“after school I’ll pick you up for karate practice”)

All parents have asked the question, “how was your day?” and received a succinct, “fine.” The key is to ask more specific, yet still open-ended questions. “Was the test as hard as you expected?” or “did you go in the pool today?” at first seem like yes/no questions, but they lead themselves to expansion. Of course follow-up questions are allowed and encouraged!

In the Car:
This is almost a magical communication zone. Maybe because we are NOT facing eye-to-eye, or because we are ostensibly doing something else, that communication seems easier. These conversations, “on the way” to the supermarket, to school, to practice, are vital communications with your child. Because the guards are down, real feelings can come to the surface.

When faced with Silence:
Kids are not stupid, and sometimes the only time they can feel power over an adult is to withhold information. Silence, from a kids point of view, is the great equalizer. If they don’t speak, they don’t have to “give” anything, and eventually, they hope, you will stop asking.

Just because a child is not speaking does not mean they are not listening. Feel free to speak your part of the communication, because even if there is no confirmation or response (and it CAN be frustrating!) chances are your child is listening to you quite carefully.

The key point is to make sure your child knows that you will be available to listen when they are ready to open up. If your schedule prevents a heart-to-heart when your child wants it, you CAN schedule private time later with your child. Children are busy too and can understand that you have other, if not more important, commitments in your life. The point is that if you make a promise to talk about school after dinner, you MUST honor that promise with your child. The investment you make will help build trust with your children.

Build Trust by Risking Feelings

You can encourage real communication by your children when you use honest, real communication yourself. “I had a busy day, my boss yelled at me, and I just want 20 minutes to relax by myself,” tells your child where you are emotionally and how you are feeling. Bringing your mood into the communication, WITHOUT EXPLAINING IT, leaves your child bewildered and unsure about which mood, and what kind of parent he will meet each time.

It is important to be real with our children, but we must not burden them with our adult problems. Sometimes, especially in single-parent families, the child becomes a confidant and best friend, when in fact what the child needs most is a parent. If mom is feeling lonely or upset about her boyfriend, or has financial worries, perhaps those issues are better discussed with adult friends. Be careful not to demand that your children solve YOUR problems.

Love letter to Yuto

Man, you are growing up!

Not yet even 3 years old, and already you laugh, make jokes, tell fibs, pour your own milk, wash your own plate, put your laundry away (better than me--just ask mom!) fight with your 11 month old baby sister one minute and then tenderly hug her the next. She loves you, and so do your mom and so do I.

We had a great summer vacation, didn't we?
I will never forget your first trip to the ocean.
"Big one coming!" and we jumped over the little ripples while you held me and giggled.

Fireworks? "I'm not scared!"

Then our time at the pool. I will never forget you "swimming! swimming!" as you kicked your arms and legs as I held you above the water. From the bottom pool step, just up to your neck, I stood a bit away, and you jumped toward me, smiling and with utter confidence that I would be there to hold you. Even as you started to go under, you never stopped smiling. For a flash of a moment of a second I thought what it would be like if I wasn't there to pull you up. You never doubted me.

I hope you never lose that trust in people.

When you walk into a room of strangers, you assume everyone is your friend, that everyone will love you. Usually, you're right.

You look older kids right in the eye, and say, "Konnichiwa!" Hello! Good Afternoon! Nice to meet you! More times then not, shy Japanese kids don't know what to make of your friendliness, and mutter a response, or look for their moms.

You always have trouble getting to bed, going to sleep. Last night was no different. "Go to bed, NOW!" I end up shouting. You cry, "Don't get mad, papa!"

You can sing all the songs from "High School Musical" in English.

You are a good climber.

You are a good wrestler.

You are a fast runner.

Last night, I had to go back to work, to get ready for Monday. You wanted to come too, even at 11:00 at night. "I wanna work!"

Finally, after scoldings from mom and me, you got into your futon and got quiet. After a few minutes, in a real quiet voice, you said, "papa? You can go to work now." My heart felt full. "Mama and I are going to sleep, so you go to work." I was at the genkan entrance of the apartment, frozen. "Papa, suki yo" (I love you). "And tomorrow pick me up from preschool in the black car."

Yuto, you don't have to grow up if you don't want to.

Love,

your Papa.

A hero talks about kids

My job in Japan is working at I CAN, which is a non-profit Free School which offers a place of caring and socialization for kids who are not in traditional schools. Here, Deepak Chopra tells about what kids need and want, and how adults can improve their relationships with kids.

One example of a Free School...

I was happy to find this when I did a seach on Google for "I CAN" and FREE SCHOOL. Although yours truly didn't get listed on the first page, this great promo for a free school in the US came up. SOoo, what do you think? Is this what education should be? Are these kids smart? Precocious? Normal?

The setting is beautiful. Might there be such a location for I CAN some day!!

Enjoy and comment as you wish.

How to be a Man...

After the sick-scares of May, June turned into a good month. Emiko and I just got back from taking our daughter, Elinor to the American Embassy in Tokyo to get her registered as a US citizen. In 3-4 weeks her passport and Social Security number should come. Congratulations, Eli!

While poking around on Amazon today, I found a great book! Part "I CAN manual" and part "Boy Scout Handbook," The Dangerous Book for Boys covers all the essential skills for being a boy: paper airplane making, go-cart building, bow and arrow making, as well as adventure stories about Shakleton and Perry, Edmund Hillary and the like. There is an American and a British version, and the crafty stuff kind of reminds me of the Japanese best selling series of a few years ago called Asobi Zukan (Play Guide) which had rules and diagrams for how to play sumo, make bamboo skates, sketches of common insects, how to pitch a tent, how to make a teru-teru bozu, and how to use a ken-dama. The "Zukan" is written in Japanese, but it has enough drawings and diagrams to make it nearly bilingual.

Apparently there is a debate (possibly manufactured?) about the political correctness of "A Dangerous book for Boys" I expect to be giving this to some father friends of mine. I say, turn of the Playstation and Go Outside! Even in the rainy season, there is more to be learned in a walk around the block than clearing another level of Dragon Quest. Check out the Amazon interview with co-author Conn Iggulden, who seems to hit it right on.

"Boys Be Ambitious" as William Clark famously said to the young men of what is now Hokkaido University, always had kind of a sexist ring to my ears, but I don't find anything to argue about with "Boys be Strong" or "Boys Be Adventurous" or "Boys Take Risks!" Of course, my argument about Clark's phrase was that it excluded girls. What, girls don't be ambitious, stay home and do the laundry? Yes, Girls Be Strong, Girls Be Adventurous, Girls Take Risks. Just watch the risky behavior. Hmm, am I falling into a quagmire of sexist debate? Of course I want freshly Americanized Elinor-chan to be strong and be adventurous, but I feel better about her brother taking on more risk.

Risk management in Japan is another topic for another post, but books like "Dangerous" and Asobi Zukan can give young or future men a good foundation in what it is to be...what it can be to be... a guy, and feel just fine about it.

"Favorite Sakura Festival Food"

The cherry blossoms are in full bloom in Takada, in the southern part of Niigata prefecture, where I live and work. Two years ago my mother and sister came in April, hoping to catch "full bloom" but had to leave a few days before the flowers opened. This year, there was quite a stir caused in Japan because the incredibly mild winter (see Inconvenient Truth) was wreaking havoc on the national cherry blossom bloom predictions.

But this week, as you can see, is beautiful. Rows upon rows of cherry blossom trees that remind me of pink popcorn or cotton candy. At least the cotton candy (candy floss for Brits, 'Tralians and Kiwis) can be had at the food stalls that are just as important (or moreso) than the flowers themselves. The Japanese have a saying, "Hana yori Dango," literally, "Dumplings rather than Flowers," which shows the preference for eating and drinking at the festival. Actually, some think the cherry blossoms are merely an(other) excuse for loosen-the-tie eating and drinking to excess.

When I took the Day Program members of Free School I CAN to the park, we were all having a wonderful time until a well intentioned (?) grandmother came up and started interrogating us as to why we weren't "In School." While I patiently explained that we were members of an alternative school, she literally could not understand what that might be, and walked off muttering something about "compulsory education."

In Japan, compulsory education is mandatory until the age of 15 (vs. 18 in the US, at least in California). However, for those kids who can't or choose not to go to "regular" school, there are few options. Homeschooling is just getting started here. Free schools are seen as playhouses for selfish kids who "can't cope."

Our mission at I CAN is to give kids a safe, fun, friendly environment for kids to learn some of those coping skills. Whether they choose to apply them at school or not is not as important as the fact that they are growing into confident, happy kids, who look forward to getting up in the morning!

Freeschool Seminar + Charles Burke = Breakthrough?

I went to Tokyo for the National Freeschool Management seminar in February, hosted by Okuchi Keiko and her staff at Tokyo Shure. It was THE conference I had been waiting 10 years or so to attend.

One of the messages that came through loud and clear was that, while at regular schools, students are graded on what they can DO, free schools focus simply on BE-ing. In Japanese, that is "SURU" yori "IRU". Being rather than doing.

So how does I CAN fit into all this? With a name like I CAN, we certainly have SOME emphasis on DOING. I believe that the human body is made for movement. We gain in confidence by succeeding, eventually, in DOING what we set out to do. That is efficacy, and is also closely tied to self esteem.

Then, on a call with my friend and mentor Charles Burke, he said something similar. He said, (paraphrasing) "so many things we learn how to do are merely techniques (things to DO). We can learn the techniques of time management, or money management, or communication techniques and DO them. But not much of that sticks until we change who we ARE.

Hmm. Be and Do. Do and Be. I am reminded of the old joke:

Socrates: To Be is to Do
Plato: To Do is to Be
Sinatra: Do-be-do-be-dooo

Junior High school jokes aside, I think there is something to be learned here.
Maybe Free Schools do the "Inside work" that prepare kids and young adults for the Doing of school and work and society at large...?

Something like that? Comments please.

By the way, Freeschool network's page is here:
www.freeschoolnetwork.jp　　(in Japanese）
Tokyo Shure's page is here:
http://www.shure.or.jp　　(some　English）
and Charles Burke's blog is here:
http://www.bullseye-living.com