November 6 10 Best Things

Yes, it gets hard coming up with BEST THINGS around numbers 6, 7, 8. But that’s the point. To stretch, to recall those moments that might have got missed if there didn’t have to be 10. So let’s see how it goes today:

1. Kids to pre-school smoothly. Not a big deal, but when it doesn’t go well it can color the whole day.

2. A bento box (lunch box) prepared for me by Emiko! This is a rare treat, and thanks to Yuto’s field trip today to the local park/museum, mom made a 2-fer, and I didn’t have to eat out for lunch today.

3. Easy day at I CAN. Our single morning student, Yuki, called to cancel. While it would be possible to worry about the lack of attendees here lately, I choose to take the easy days when they come, knowing that extreme busy-ness is right around the corner.

4. Squaring away some financial documents and Xmas party plans with Yuko at the English Conversation school.

5. Being able to suggest a fellow NPO group (”Junior Leaders”) who would love to help make balloon animals for the Christmas party. Feels good to be able to connect people.

6. Cleaning up by returning getting-old phone messages and emails.

7. Sneaking home for a 20 minute dinner between classes. I had a rare eye-to-eye talk with Emiko about how our day was (often we are too wiped out to do any real communication: DANGER!)

8. An email from a Peace Corps friend in Ghana, rejoicing about the US elections.

9. Unexpected $140 donation for I CAN in the mail

10. Beer and “Juno” video coming up…

International Dis-education?

Yesterday was parent-teacher conference day at the preschool. I was at work so Emiko went. In short, daughter Eli is fine. But son Yuto (and his parents!) have a few habits teach is not too pleased about. We arrive at preschool usually at about 9:15 or so. Doors open at 8:30, and we should arrive by 9:00. But it is a battle to get kids out the door, especially when son is testing about not having to go at all. Further, since I get home from work after everyone is asleep, I appreciate our relaxed mornings, breakfast together, conversations. Teacher says that this is just Father being selfish(!) and that it is more important for Yuto to arrive ON TIME, so that her schedule is not compromised.

That’s OK. Though I don’t appreciate the editorial, I can set the alarm earlier and arrive at school half an hour earlier.

But, that’s not all. They want Yuto to stop using English words at preschool. They say it is for “his own good” to learn in Japanese only. Apparently, they have corrected his English to Japanese several times (”no, not ‘bucket’, BA-KE-TSU”; “not spider, KU-MO”) etc. This may explain why Yuto asks everyday if he has preschool or not. I sure don’t think a 3 year old boy should have to look at someone’s facial expressions and consider the situation before he decides which word to use.

Emiko was angry about this development, too. We agree that they are denying a part of his identity when they refuse to respond to his English. And what a shame. They have a great ambassador for English education in their midst (Yuto, not me), but instead of saying, “Oh, a SPIDER! That’s how to say it in English?” They completely are shutting this part of him out.

Emiko says, “maybe we should think about changing preschools,” but Yuto already has a great group of friends where he is.

In a good development, Emiko’s mother fully supported her and her grandson, and told us to fight for Yuto’s RIGHT to express himself as he saw fit. That made Emiko happy. Also, the I CAN member’s reaction to this story was great.

Yuki, who at 14 has yet to calm down, and is usually bouncing off the walls from his diet of fast food and video games, and seldom has a serious word, says, “That really makes my heart hurt.” I looked to see if he was joking, but apparently he was really moved by this story. And remember May? She surprised me by saying, “Great! Now you can homeschool him at our house! We speak three languages: Japanese, English and Hebrew!”

Funny that you can get understanding from the most unlikely sources….

It looks like we will be continuing this discussion with the director of the preschool….

How to Communicate with Your Child

Today in Japan more than 3% of all school-age children are truant, or “futoko.” And the numbers are growing.

While it would be nice to live in a society where alternative styles of education were accepted, that future has yet to arrive. So for many of us, it is best to do the best we can within the system as it stands.

So, what can you do, as a parent, to ensure your child stays in school?

In real estate, it is said that the three most important factors are “location, location and location.” For raising children, it’s “communication, communication, communication.”

Communication with your Child:
This almost goes without saying, but in the day to day busi-ness of life, real communication often takes a back seat to commands (“put your toys away,” “brush your teeth”) or confirming our mutual schedules (“after school I’ll pick you up for karate practice”)

All parents have asked the question, “how was your day?” and received a succinct, “fine.” The key is to ask more specific, yet still open-ended questions. “Was the test as hard as you expected?” or “did you go in the pool today?” at first seem like yes/no questions, but they lead themselves to expansion. Of course follow-up questions are allowed and encouraged!

In the Car:
This is almost a magical communication zone. Maybe because we are NOT facing eye-to-eye, or because we are ostensibly doing something else, that communication seems easier. These conversations, “on the way” to the supermarket, to school, to practice, are vital communications with your child. Because the guards are down, real feelings can come to the surface.

When faced with Silence:
Kids are not stupid, and sometimes the only time they can feel power over an adult is to withhold information. Silence, from a kids point of view, is the great equalizer. If they don’t speak, they don’t have to “give” anything, and eventually, they hope, you will stop asking.

Just because a child is not speaking does not mean they are not listening. Feel free to speak your part of the communication, because even if there is no confirmation or response (and it CAN be frustrating!) chances are your child is listening to you quite carefully.

The key point is to make sure your child knows that you will be available to listen when they are ready to open up. If your schedule prevents a heart-to-heart when your child wants it, you CAN schedule private time later with your child. Children are busy too and can understand that you have other, if not more important, commitments in your life. The point is that if you make a promise to talk about school after dinner, you MUST honor that promise with your child. The investment you make will help build trust with your children.

Build Trust by Risking Feelings

You can encourage real communication by your children when you use honest, real communication yourself. “I had a busy day, my boss yelled at me, and I just want 20 minutes to relax by myself,” tells your child where you are emotionally and how you are feeling. Bringing your mood into the communication, WITHOUT EXPLAINING IT, leaves your child bewildered and unsure about which mood, and what kind of parent he will meet each time.

It is important to be real with our children, but we must not burden them with our adult problems. Sometimes, especially in single-parent families, the child becomes a confidant and best friend, when in fact what the child needs most is a parent. If mom is feeling lonely or upset about her boyfriend, or has financial worries, perhaps those issues are better discussed with adult friends. Be careful not to demand that your children solve YOUR problems.

HAPPYNESS??

I just saw the semi-new Will Smith movie called, The Persuit of Happyness. I think the Japanese title was "Shiawase no Chikara" or "the Power of Happiness.”
After "I, Robot" and "Hitch," juuust little by little and step by step I am becoming able to watch a movie starring the Fresh Prince of Beverly Hills. I never thought I would say those words.

Anyway, Fresh's son is really a cute kid, as most reviews of the movie will tell you. I guess we are supposed to be rooting for this guy going for his Merril Lynch job, but it is certainly not the most altruistic of dreams. While he was pursuing his version of "Happyness," his son was at a rather questionable Chinatown daycare center watching episodes of the Love Boat.

While I was in tune with the "never give up" message of the movie, my friend Simon, who is always good for a reality check, said that the main character was completely irresponsible. Taking his kid into the subway station restroom to spend the night was supposed to show, I suppose, how desperate he had become, and how commited he was to finish his internship at Merril Lynch. According to friend Simon, he was just being an irresponsible dad.

I guess it is easier to make sacrifices for our dreams when it is only us who is affected by our decisions (successes or failures) Once you have a family, Simon reminded me, your pursuit of Happyness has to take a back seat to insuring the safety and well-being of your kids.

The real villian in the story was the wife/mother, who just skipped out on her family because, as she said, she didn't feel "Happy."

Worth a rental, to see Will Smith's cute son and scenes of San Francisco.

What if we gave a party and no body showed up?

This is kind of what's happening at work lately.

I admit that my enthusiasm for planning events at our Free School, I CAN, has, well, been curbed somewhat in the preceding months.

When I announce, "Let's plant a vegetable garden!"
I hear, "How long will THAT take?"

When I prepare an adventure-based field trip, "Let's go rafting in Gunma!"
I get, "Not interested."

So I try to turn the tables: "So, what do YOU guys want to do??"
"Whatever."

It is sometimes hard to stay motivated when your surrounding environment is so, well, unmotivated.

Here are some thoughts: Maybe I should just LET the freeschoolers have their relax time. Don't pressure them to do the things that I think are good for them. Like I tell the parents: You don't have to hold expectations.

The question that has been with me since I CAN started is this: How much of a "kick in the ass" is good for kids, and how much is too much?

Okuchi Keiko and the Tokyo Shure gang seem to think that kids programs should be 100% kid-centered, with no adult curriculum set, no expectations, no pressure.

While this appeals to the lazy side of myself, I am not sure kids do their best with NO expectations.

This topic needs more thought and more discussion. Feel free to comment.

Charlie.

A hero talks about kids

My job in Japan is working at I CAN, which is a non-profit Free School which offers a place of caring and socialization for kids who are not in traditional schools. Here, Deepak Chopra tells about what kids need and want, and how adults can improve their relationships with kids.

One example of a Free School...

I was happy to find this when I did a seach on Google for "I CAN" and FREE SCHOOL. Although yours truly didn't get listed on the first page, this great promo for a free school in the US came up. SOoo, what do you think? Is this what education should be? Are these kids smart? Precocious? Normal?

The setting is beautiful. Might there be such a location for I CAN some day!!

Enjoy and comment as you wish.

Steve Wrote a Book!!

Well, it finally happened.

My best friend in high school is a published author. I, alas, am not. Yet. And only if you don't count blog publishing.

Steve Martin was, in short, the funniest guy in high school. It probably helped that that OTHER Steve Martin was at the peak of his Saturday NIght Live appearences at that time, but Steve was funny. Still is.

We were originally introduced by a mutual friend through the role-playing game Dungeons and Dragons. Yes, I had a D&D stage. We ate Doritos and Dr. Pepper and fought with our imaginary characters of Elves and Dwarves. OK, I had a kind of geeky stage. Possibly still in it.

Anyway, little did I know that Steve was honing his fantasy imagination skills as we were playing. Since graduating from Pepperdine in Malibu, he became a minister involved with young people. Apparently, as a counsellor and swim coach, he learned a lot about kids. The jacket of his book, The Brand Medallion says that he and his wife have 3 sons, and are "living the adventure..." I am sure his sons, the oldest which has graduated high school, have taught him a thing or two, too, as does my 2 year old.

Well, aside from the "High school reunion" aspects of this story, there are two more relevant points.

1. The book itself is great! Although Steve says he wrote about Christian themes, never once does he sound "preachy." It is the story of a teenaged adventurer who learns about himself, and the power of words, in a new land that he discovers. This is a book that I wish was translated in Japanese for my students. The issues are self-confidence, self-esteem and self-mastery, with sub themes of honesty, trust and companionship. Geez (hope I can write that, Steve), these are exactly the same things we work on at I CAN, the free school I work at. As important as the themes, though, is that the story is just a good read, exciting at the right times, moving, full of good teenage dialogue, well-described and also fun. Though I started the book because it was my buddy's first book, I finished it because I really wanted to find out what happened to Cael and his crew.

2. The second learning point is how Steve told me he wrote the manuscript. How? With discipline. A schedule that he stuck to without fail. I hope it will be OK with Steve if I quote from his email:

"I began in June, 2004 by reading extensively in that genre, taking notes on various fiction styles, and developing characters. I would say I spent about three months on that part. Then in September I began going to the library a couple of times a week to design a story outline. It was probably a sermon writing hazard, but I wanted to know where the story was going before I jumped in. The original layout was 22 chapters with 10-12 "key idea" bullet points for each.

"The key for my writing was just consistency. Along the way I added a couple of chapters, bringing the final book to 25 chapters. And although I took a couple of weeks off from writing fatigue, I managed to finish the rough draft at the end of June -- a little over a year from when I started."


See what you can do in a year?
Steve did not "manifest" his book, or dream about writing it someday (that's my department). What he did and what makes him successful in this project is that he DID THE WORK.

What a novel idea.