The Day after Mother's Day: A word for Dads:

In most families, and especially here in Japan, child-rearing duties fall to the mother in the household. Watching my wife deal with managing a household—cooking, washing clothes daily, packing school lunches and communicating with teachers,--I’d say she has one of the busiest, hardest jobs in the world (though arguably one of the most rewarding). Add to this that some women, on top of all that, work during the day, and I feel almost in awe of working moms.

We men have our jobs, too, and they can be tiring. I imagine thousands of Japanese salarymen dragging themselves home after ten or so hours at the office, exhausted, hungry, and perhaps with a little work-related stress brought home for good measure.

Meishi! Furou! Neru! (Dinner! Bath! Sleep!) is not a real good basis for conjugal communication, but to say that I didn’t have nights when that’s all I wanted would be less than honest.

So what’s a father to do with his kids? Even moreso, what can the father be doing if one of his children is not going to school?

The easiest thing to do ( and what I see most often) is the blame game. I’m out all day earning money for this family! Couldn’t you at least get the kids to school?”

Blaming your wife is certainly no way to address the issue of futoko-ism. Neither is blaming the school, teachers, or your child him or herself.
The first thing you can do is to support your wife. She and you are in this together, and she needs your support (and you will need hers) as you tackle some of the challenges you will face being a “futoko parent.”

Now, being the parent of a futoko kid may not be as glamourous as being the parent of a golf pro or a t.v. personality, but it can be just as rewarding. And here is a promise: during your child’s futoko period, whether is last for days, weeks, months or years, if you stay in the game, don’t give up, and get support, you have the opportunity to learn more about your children, your spouse, your family and yourself than you ever thought possible.

The easiest and least effective route for the father to take is just to opt out. Deny there is a problem or leave it to mom and the teachers to sort out.

In my 15 years of meeting school refusal kids and their parents in japan, I can say that one of the common factors I often see is the absense (physical or emotional) of a father figure. Often times the mother is single, the father is no longer present…..


;;;

November 6 10 Best Things

Yes, it gets hard coming up with BEST THINGS around numbers 6, 7, 8. But that’s the point. To stretch, to recall those moments that might have got missed if there didn’t have to be 10. So let’s see how it goes today:

1. Kids to pre-school smoothly. Not a big deal, but when it doesn’t go well it can color the whole day.

2. A bento box (lunch box) prepared for me by Emiko! This is a rare treat, and thanks to Yuto’s field trip today to the local park/museum, mom made a 2-fer, and I didn’t have to eat out for lunch today.

3. Easy day at I CAN. Our single morning student, Yuki, called to cancel. While it would be possible to worry about the lack of attendees here lately, I choose to take the easy days when they come, knowing that extreme busy-ness is right around the corner.

4. Squaring away some financial documents and Xmas party plans with Yuko at the English Conversation school.

5. Being able to suggest a fellow NPO group (”Junior Leaders”) who would love to help make balloon animals for the Christmas party. Feels good to be able to connect people.

6. Cleaning up by returning getting-old phone messages and emails.

7. Sneaking home for a 20 minute dinner between classes. I had a rare eye-to-eye talk with Emiko about how our day was (often we are too wiped out to do any real communication: DANGER!)

8. An email from a Peace Corps friend in Ghana, rejoicing about the US elections.

9. Unexpected $140 donation for I CAN in the mail

10. Beer and “Juno” video coming up…

How to Communicate with Your Child

Today in Japan more than 3% of all school-age children are truant, or “futoko.” And the numbers are growing.

While it would be nice to live in a society where alternative styles of education were accepted, that future has yet to arrive. So for many of us, it is best to do the best we can within the system as it stands.

So, what can you do, as a parent, to ensure your child stays in school?

In real estate, it is said that the three most important factors are “location, location and location.” For raising children, it’s “communication, communication, communication.”

Communication with your Child:
This almost goes without saying, but in the day to day busi-ness of life, real communication often takes a back seat to commands (“put your toys away,” “brush your teeth”) or confirming our mutual schedules (“after school I’ll pick you up for karate practice”)

All parents have asked the question, “how was your day?” and received a succinct, “fine.” The key is to ask more specific, yet still open-ended questions. “Was the test as hard as you expected?” or “did you go in the pool today?” at first seem like yes/no questions, but they lead themselves to expansion. Of course follow-up questions are allowed and encouraged!

In the Car:
This is almost a magical communication zone. Maybe because we are NOT facing eye-to-eye, or because we are ostensibly doing something else, that communication seems easier. These conversations, “on the way” to the supermarket, to school, to practice, are vital communications with your child. Because the guards are down, real feelings can come to the surface.

When faced with Silence:
Kids are not stupid, and sometimes the only time they can feel power over an adult is to withhold information. Silence, from a kids point of view, is the great equalizer. If they don’t speak, they don’t have to “give” anything, and eventually, they hope, you will stop asking.

Just because a child is not speaking does not mean they are not listening. Feel free to speak your part of the communication, because even if there is no confirmation or response (and it CAN be frustrating!) chances are your child is listening to you quite carefully.

The key point is to make sure your child knows that you will be available to listen when they are ready to open up. If your schedule prevents a heart-to-heart when your child wants it, you CAN schedule private time later with your child. Children are busy too and can understand that you have other, if not more important, commitments in your life. The point is that if you make a promise to talk about school after dinner, you MUST honor that promise with your child. The investment you make will help build trust with your children.

Build Trust by Risking Feelings

You can encourage real communication by your children when you use honest, real communication yourself. “I had a busy day, my boss yelled at me, and I just want 20 minutes to relax by myself,” tells your child where you are emotionally and how you are feeling. Bringing your mood into the communication, WITHOUT EXPLAINING IT, leaves your child bewildered and unsure about which mood, and what kind of parent he will meet each time.

It is important to be real with our children, but we must not burden them with our adult problems. Sometimes, especially in single-parent families, the child becomes a confidant and best friend, when in fact what the child needs most is a parent. If mom is feeling lonely or upset about her boyfriend, or has financial worries, perhaps those issues are better discussed with adult friends. Be careful not to demand that your children solve YOUR problems.

Love letter to Yuto

Man, you are growing up!

Not yet even 3 years old, and already you laugh, make jokes, tell fibs, pour your own milk, wash your own plate, put your laundry away (better than me--just ask mom!) fight with your 11 month old baby sister one minute and then tenderly hug her the next. She loves you, and so do your mom and so do I.

We had a great summer vacation, didn't we?
I will never forget your first trip to the ocean.
"Big one coming!" and we jumped over the little ripples while you held me and giggled.

Fireworks? "I'm not scared!"

Then our time at the pool. I will never forget you "swimming! swimming!" as you kicked your arms and legs as I held you above the water. From the bottom pool step, just up to your neck, I stood a bit away, and you jumped toward me, smiling and with utter confidence that I would be there to hold you. Even as you started to go under, you never stopped smiling. For a flash of a moment of a second I thought what it would be like if I wasn't there to pull you up. You never doubted me.

I hope you never lose that trust in people.

When you walk into a room of strangers, you assume everyone is your friend, that everyone will love you. Usually, you're right.

You look older kids right in the eye, and say, "Konnichiwa!" Hello! Good Afternoon! Nice to meet you! More times then not, shy Japanese kids don't know what to make of your friendliness, and mutter a response, or look for their moms.

You always have trouble getting to bed, going to sleep. Last night was no different. "Go to bed, NOW!" I end up shouting. You cry, "Don't get mad, papa!"

You can sing all the songs from "High School Musical" in English.

You are a good climber.

You are a good wrestler.

You are a fast runner.

Last night, I had to go back to work, to get ready for Monday. You wanted to come too, even at 11:00 at night. "I wanna work!"

Finally, after scoldings from mom and me, you got into your futon and got quiet. After a few minutes, in a real quiet voice, you said, "papa? You can go to work now." My heart felt full. "Mama and I are going to sleep, so you go to work." I was at the genkan entrance of the apartment, frozen. "Papa, suki yo" (I love you). "And tomorrow pick me up from preschool in the black car."

Yuto, you don't have to grow up if you don't want to.

Love,

your Papa.

What if we gave a party and no body showed up?

This is kind of what's happening at work lately.

I admit that my enthusiasm for planning events at our Free School, I CAN, has, well, been curbed somewhat in the preceding months.

When I announce, "Let's plant a vegetable garden!"
I hear, "How long will THAT take?"

When I prepare an adventure-based field trip, "Let's go rafting in Gunma!"
I get, "Not interested."

So I try to turn the tables: "So, what do YOU guys want to do??"
"Whatever."

It is sometimes hard to stay motivated when your surrounding environment is so, well, unmotivated.

Here are some thoughts: Maybe I should just LET the freeschoolers have their relax time. Don't pressure them to do the things that I think are good for them. Like I tell the parents: You don't have to hold expectations.

The question that has been with me since I CAN started is this: How much of a "kick in the ass" is good for kids, and how much is too much?

Okuchi Keiko and the Tokyo Shure gang seem to think that kids programs should be 100% kid-centered, with no adult curriculum set, no expectations, no pressure.

While this appeals to the lazy side of myself, I am not sure kids do their best with NO expectations.

This topic needs more thought and more discussion. Feel free to comment.

Charlie.

A hero talks about kids

My job in Japan is working at I CAN, which is a non-profit Free School which offers a place of caring and socialization for kids who are not in traditional schools. Here, Deepak Chopra tells about what kids need and want, and how adults can improve their relationships with kids.

One example of a Free School...

I was happy to find this when I did a seach on Google for "I CAN" and FREE SCHOOL. Although yours truly didn't get listed on the first page, this great promo for a free school in the US came up. SOoo, what do you think? Is this what education should be? Are these kids smart? Precocious? Normal?

The setting is beautiful. Might there be such a location for I CAN some day!!

Enjoy and comment as you wish.

Steve Wrote a Book!!

Well, it finally happened.

My best friend in high school is a published author. I, alas, am not. Yet. And only if you don't count blog publishing.

Steve Martin was, in short, the funniest guy in high school. It probably helped that that OTHER Steve Martin was at the peak of his Saturday NIght Live appearences at that time, but Steve was funny. Still is.

We were originally introduced by a mutual friend through the role-playing game Dungeons and Dragons. Yes, I had a D&D stage. We ate Doritos and Dr. Pepper and fought with our imaginary characters of Elves and Dwarves. OK, I had a kind of geeky stage. Possibly still in it.

Anyway, little did I know that Steve was honing his fantasy imagination skills as we were playing. Since graduating from Pepperdine in Malibu, he became a minister involved with young people. Apparently, as a counsellor and swim coach, he learned a lot about kids. The jacket of his book, The Brand Medallion says that he and his wife have 3 sons, and are "living the adventure..." I am sure his sons, the oldest which has graduated high school, have taught him a thing or two, too, as does my 2 year old.

Well, aside from the "High school reunion" aspects of this story, there are two more relevant points.

1. The book itself is great! Although Steve says he wrote about Christian themes, never once does he sound "preachy." It is the story of a teenaged adventurer who learns about himself, and the power of words, in a new land that he discovers. This is a book that I wish was translated in Japanese for my students. The issues are self-confidence, self-esteem and self-mastery, with sub themes of honesty, trust and companionship. Geez (hope I can write that, Steve), these are exactly the same things we work on at I CAN, the free school I work at. As important as the themes, though, is that the story is just a good read, exciting at the right times, moving, full of good teenage dialogue, well-described and also fun. Though I started the book because it was my buddy's first book, I finished it because I really wanted to find out what happened to Cael and his crew.

2. The second learning point is how Steve told me he wrote the manuscript. How? With discipline. A schedule that he stuck to without fail. I hope it will be OK with Steve if I quote from his email:

"I began in June, 2004 by reading extensively in that genre, taking notes on various fiction styles, and developing characters. I would say I spent about three months on that part. Then in September I began going to the library a couple of times a week to design a story outline. It was probably a sermon writing hazard, but I wanted to know where the story was going before I jumped in. The original layout was 22 chapters with 10-12 "key idea" bullet points for each.

"The key for my writing was just consistency. Along the way I added a couple of chapters, bringing the final book to 25 chapters. And although I took a couple of weeks off from writing fatigue, I managed to finish the rough draft at the end of June -- a little over a year from when I started."


See what you can do in a year?
Steve did not "manifest" his book, or dream about writing it someday (that's my department). What he did and what makes him successful in this project is that he DID THE WORK.

What a novel idea.

"Favorite Sakura Festival Food"

The cherry blossoms are in full bloom in Takada, in the southern part of Niigata prefecture, where I live and work. Two years ago my mother and sister came in April, hoping to catch "full bloom" but had to leave a few days before the flowers opened. This year, there was quite a stir caused in Japan because the incredibly mild winter (see Inconvenient Truth) was wreaking havoc on the national cherry blossom bloom predictions.

But this week, as you can see, is beautiful. Rows upon rows of cherry blossom trees that remind me of pink popcorn or cotton candy. At least the cotton candy (candy floss for Brits, 'Tralians and Kiwis) can be had at the food stalls that are just as important (or moreso) than the flowers themselves. The Japanese have a saying, "Hana yori Dango," literally, "Dumplings rather than Flowers," which shows the preference for eating and drinking at the festival. Actually, some think the cherry blossoms are merely an(other) excuse for loosen-the-tie eating and drinking to excess.

When I took the Day Program members of Free School I CAN to the park, we were all having a wonderful time until a well intentioned (?) grandmother came up and started interrogating us as to why we weren't "In School." While I patiently explained that we were members of an alternative school, she literally could not understand what that might be, and walked off muttering something about "compulsory education."

In Japan, compulsory education is mandatory until the age of 15 (vs. 18 in the US, at least in California). However, for those kids who can't or choose not to go to "regular" school, there are few options. Homeschooling is just getting started here. Free schools are seen as playhouses for selfish kids who "can't cope."

Our mission at I CAN is to give kids a safe, fun, friendly environment for kids to learn some of those coping skills. Whether they choose to apply them at school or not is not as important as the fact that they are growing into confident, happy kids, who look forward to getting up in the morning!

Freeschool Seminar + Charles Burke = Breakthrough?

I went to Tokyo for the National Freeschool Management seminar in February, hosted by Okuchi Keiko and her staff at Tokyo Shure. It was THE conference I had been waiting 10 years or so to attend.

One of the messages that came through loud and clear was that, while at regular schools, students are graded on what they can DO, free schools focus simply on BE-ing. In Japanese, that is "SURU" yori "IRU". Being rather than doing.

So how does I CAN fit into all this? With a name like I CAN, we certainly have SOME emphasis on DOING. I believe that the human body is made for movement. We gain in confidence by succeeding, eventually, in DOING what we set out to do. That is efficacy, and is also closely tied to self esteem.

Then, on a call with my friend and mentor Charles Burke, he said something similar. He said, (paraphrasing) "so many things we learn how to do are merely techniques (things to DO). We can learn the techniques of time management, or money management, or communication techniques and DO them. But not much of that sticks until we change who we ARE.

Hmm. Be and Do. Do and Be. I am reminded of the old joke:

Socrates: To Be is to Do
Plato: To Do is to Be
Sinatra: Do-be-do-be-dooo

Junior High school jokes aside, I think there is something to be learned here.
Maybe Free Schools do the "Inside work" that prepare kids and young adults for the Doing of school and work and society at large...?

Something like that? Comments please.

By the way, Freeschool network's page is here:
www.freeschoolnetwork.jp　　(in Japanese）
Tokyo Shure's page is here:
http://www.shure.or.jp　　(some　English）
and Charles Burke's blog is here:
http://www.bullseye-living.com